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nicole alexandra.

days gone by
criminal intent
pssst. come here.
don't forget her.

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the heart may freeze or it can burn the pain will ease if i can learn there is not future there is no past i live this moment as my last


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about to explode [18 Mar 2008|05:32am]
[ mood | crappy ]

I'm laying in bed at 12:30 in the morning and I'm crying. I'm fucking crying. I'm starting to realize that I'm always going to be second best, always. I have no choice but to journal because if I say it outloud I'll burst into hysterical bawling and screaming. I watch everyone around me in their wonderful relationships. One of my closest friends and her bf just celebrated their one year, my other good friend is engaged. My best friend back home is engaged to an amazing guy. My good friend down the street is already married. Everyone in cell group seems to be pair up as well. & I can't help but ask, when is it my turn? I've waited damn near 20 years. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of kissing frogs & I'm tired of constantly being fucked over. Everyone says I go for the wrong guys, but then I head to the complete opposite end of the guy spectrum and it seems to be the same goddamned story. One guy that I've been head over heels for since summer can't think of me as anything but a sex toy. He's with some girl, wants to fuck the hell out of me, but wouldn't ever do it because he cares about her so much and doesn't ever want to hurt her. Where the hell is my guy who's tempted by an ex lover and won't cave just because the thought of hurting me kills him? Where the fuck is that guy? And this other guy, who conviently lives in the same buildings as the other, is amazing. We like the same music, movies, style, decade, everything. He's adorable in every way. He's sweet as can be, awkward yet so lovable, but alas he too only wants sex, no commitment of course. I'm tired of it. There's got to be something wrong with me. If everyone but me can find it, I've got to be damaged in some way. I just pray to god that somehow, some way, I'll lose weight or become mildly attractive somehow. I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted. How would you feel if you looked in the mirror and thought to yourself "no wonder no one wants me." Some days I pray I'll never wake up because walking through life as me is too painful. It's this awful feeling I can't shake and it's all I can think about. I just want it to go away.

"And always second best"

beating hearts baby 5 baby is this love for real?

stars are falling all for us... [21 Jul 2007|01:17am]
[ mood | crazy ]

it's been a while since my last post
and well this post won't be a happy update.
i'm updating to keep my brain from exploding
and my tear ducts from being excessively overworked.

the topic of my post, unfortunately: david.
we've actually been hanging out quite a bit,
and i've gotten the very flirty vibe,
but ah yes, he has a girlfriend; CLAIRE.

i thought i was over him,
i still had the urge to hold his hand or kiss him
but we got into a fight tonight
and when torie & i got in the car...
your guardian angel, by red jumpsuit apparatus,
OUR SONG, was on the radio.
i immediately fiddled around with the buttons,
and changed the fucking station.
I get home, find myself listening to that song,
and I am fucking SOBBING.
Like a pussy ass little bitch, sobbing.
It was pathetic & utterly disgusting.
I'm sitting here, crying at 1am over a 17 year old BOY?!
are you kidding me here?
I don't understand myself.
I want a real relationship, with someone mature,
with goals, with a life, in college,
I want a MAN not a little BOY,
and what? I'm bawling over a boy.
I'm fucking head over heels for a child.
Are you kidding me? what the fuck is wrong with me?
I understood all the others I fell for,
But this one, still has me twisted.

I've fallen & I can't get up.

baby is this love for real?

my farewell to all those i love... [29 May 2007|01:10pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

My goodbyes to all those near and dear to me...
in no particular order.

It's been a long and strange 18 years...
We've known each other practically since birth
We grew apart during our early to mid teens
But were reunited a little over a year ago
Being reunited with you has been amazing,
One of those once in a lifetime opportunities.
I don't know how I would have gotten thru it all
If I didn't have you there by my side.
You've been one of the most amazing friends
And one of the people I am closest to.
I keep no secrets from you
And hide no aspect of my personality.
With you I can be who I am, completely.
We've done some of the dumbest things together
But there was never a dull moment.
We always found a way to amuse ourselves,
Whether it be with random trips to the park,
Garbage can tipping, stealing from rich lawns,
Trips to the asylum, taco bell, dennys,
Or just driving on the turnpike until we got bored.
No matter what I wouldn't take a second back.
I'm going to miss you with every fiber of my being.
Without you I wouldn't be who I am today.
Anytime I get lonely..or bored...
You'll be the first person I call..
And everytime I eat easy mac...
I'll get sad because I'm only making one bowl...
And not another for a certain fatass :)
Best friend aka fish aka vincipoo...
I'm going to miss you more than you will ever know.

Girl, you have been a fuckin hand full.
We've been through tons of ups & downs
But we've always come out stronger.
We've done things that would rip friends apart,
But remained best friends through it all.
I've watched you grow tremendously this past year
And I know you will continue to grow.
I remember that kinda rocker, kinda shy girl
From my sophomore year, who grew...
Into an 18 year old hoochie...jk jk.
I've seen you develop into a woman...
Although still a kid at heart.
I've bitched at you for four years...
And you did live up to my expectations...
Regardless of grades and all that bullshit,
You've become a responsible and intelligent person.
It's going to be very difficult to live day to day
Without my best friend of over four years...
But I know you are simply a phone call away...
Assuming your brother doesn't go into dickhead mode..
And trust me you won't ever get rid of me,
No matter how hard you try...
No matter how far away I am...
No matter how much you want to get rid of my ass...
I won't ever leave you alone...
Because you are more than a best friend...
You're the sister I never had & always wanted.

Oh boy, the boyfriend.
It's been a fun and crazy 3 months...
But regardless of all the bullshit, it's been awesome.
When I first started flirting with you I never imagined...
That it would blossom into a relationship like this.
Although from the start I knew it would end,
It doesn't make it any easier...
Because never before in my life have I been treated this way
I finally found that guy that swept me off my feet,
The guy that truly cared about me,
The guy that actually treated me right,
The guy that never cheated on me,
The guy that actually wanted to be with me.
This is why saying goodbye is so difficult.
I just keep thinking I'll never find anyone...
That will come close to you.
I fell for you, head over heels...
And getting up is going to be damned near impossible.
Thank you for everything.
Even though it has to end I will leave with something...
The knowledge of what I want from a relationship,
The knowledge that I deserve a good guy,
The knowledge that I deserve to be treated right,
And the knowledge that I shouldn't settle.
I fell for you even though I knew I shouldn't,
Even though no one wanted us together,
Even though people said we were too different...
But I couldn't help it. I've fallen & I can't get up.

Oh katie girl.
You, me & vince have been the 3 musketeers.
We've been through hell & back
But we've managed to stay close as fuuuuh.
You are always fun & always amusing...
We've shared some fun times and deep conversations
That I wouldn't trade for the world.
You are probably the only person...
That would go along with all my stupid schemes.
Stealing random shit in broad daylight,
Egging every and anyone at anytime,
And that's what makes you the person I love.
You aren't afraid to be who you are
And you aren't afraid to do what you want.
I love you to death & I'm glad I have you in my life,
Because without you it wouldn't be the same.
Although more calm and relaxed,
Not nearly as fun and memorable.
I would do anything for you and you know that,
Just like I know you would do that same for me.
Our friendship isn't anywhere near over,
And it won't ever be.
We will be the crazy 80yr-old ladies that live together.
I love you girl.

beating hearts baby 1 baby is this love for real?

it's true what they say. [10 May 2007|07:40am]
[ mood | blank ]

because days come & go
but my feelings for you are forever.

baby is this love for real?

fumbling. [04 May 2007|02:53pm]
[ mood | happy ]

i'm nervous, anxious, scared, hyper, ecstatic, frightened, excited, shaking, contemplative, drowning, floating and sinking all at the same time. but above all i'm HAPPY.

baby is this love for real?

pee.ess. [03 May 2007|01:55pm]
pee.ess. FIU finally posted their grades.
i still have over a 3.0 GPA, thank you jesus.
i though i was failing my anthropology of race & ethnicity class,
i got a C :)
i thought i failed psych
I got a B-
A :) woot.
baby is this love for real?

& the unconscious mind never manages to remain unsurfaced. [03 May 2007|08:20am]
[ mood | curious ]

somedays i feel like i shouldn't wake up.

baby is this love for real?

lalala fuck emo. [24 Jan 2007|04:20pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

sooo yesterday i vented to kayli, about david's excessive emo-ness and she's like "trust me, I know alllllll about that", because she's been putting up with his shit for two years. i went off about it like rambled for a good 20 minutes, but in the end it made me feel better to vent my anger to someone. yesterday he like leaves mid-conversation without so much as a goodbye. nicole does not = happy at this point. so he comes back like hmmm 3 fuckin hours later and is like "hey" hey?!?! bitch please. heh. well he's like "whoops sorry, i went to go visit some friends at the bowling alley" lalala fuck that shit. and i'm like eh whatevs and hes like "i'm just really tired and stressed" and i'm on AIM talking to kayli too and she's like "walk it out now walk it out now walk it out" sooo i was like "hey david you know what will make you feel better? if you walk it out now walk it out lol" and he says "no" and i said, jokingly "fine see if i care" and his fuck ass responses "you're adding to my stress" and i'm like ksdjfhvouehvfoiqegubqe3f892yt4fjkdzbvjk in my head. i was hella fuckin pissed, like kid do you think your stress out weighs everyone elses? news flash, it doesn't. i'm annoyed at this point beyond belief. like when someone tries to cheer you up, don't fuckin give them attitude, i'm sorry kid that your mommy wouldn't let you have desert and that you had a pop quiz in american history or whatever, seriously, i doubt your problems are all that bad, that you have to be a prick to everyone around you, in fact i know they aren't all that bad. so suck that shit up and stop being a douche.

on a light and amusing note:
i was watching tv and this commerical came on for like feminine wipes and the voice in the commerical says "use after intercouse" and i'm cracking up at this point because they said intercourse, i haven't heard sex referred to as intercourse since like the 3rd grade when they made us watch those informative sex videos lmao...then the commercial says "USE AFTER YOU DOUCHE" at this point i almost piss myself from hysterical laughter, there's something so funny about the word douche in a serious commerical or when its not followed by "bag" or describing a person. i can't wait to see that commerical again, good times good times.

baby is this love for real?

[31 Aug 2006|06:39pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Starder2 (8:42:20 PM): i hate the way you make me a chonga
Starder2 (8:42:30 PM): i hate how u paste down my baby hair
Starder2 (8:42:58 PM): i hate that u make me go to sushi maki
Starder2 (8:43:10 PM): and eat a lot while im there
Starder2 (8:43:20 PM): i hate the way u sit in the park with me when im bored
Starder2 (8:43:30 PM): and push me on the swings u stupid little whore
Starder2 (8:43:56 PM): i hate the way u visit me in my new room
Starder2 (8:44:07 PM): i hate the way u defend me when others assume
Starder2 (8:44:34 PM): i hate how target was closed today
Starder2 (8:44:49 PM): and i hate that my birthday is in may (cuz we cant be twins)
Starder2 (8:45:24 PM): no nevermind nicole these are the best things ever...sorta this poem doesnt make sense

The best poem ever written by Tori! And here's mine to her!

I hate the way you always read my mind
And the fact that you know everything about me
How you always make me wake up and go out
And how you got me addicted to thai iced tea

I hate the way you always help out
And the fact that you always call
And we go to the same exact school
And how we always go to the mall

Most of all I hate when we dress like chongas and go out
And the fact that you will always be there without a doubt.

No Tori Whori, in fact these are my favorite things of all!

beating hearts baby 2 baby is this love for real?

i think someone just tried to egg me. [27 Jul 2006|04:59am]
[ mood | curious ]

apparently it's a good thing i never sleep.
i'm sitting here and all of a sudden i hear voices
my house is very quiet and so is my neighborhood
it's coming from the front of my house.
i walk to the window to see if there's anyone
there's a white mitsubishi galant
it starts backing up towards my house
i swear i saw arms in a throwing motion.
so i think i'm getting egged.
i grab my car keys and run outside.
they've left. i look for eggs. nothing.
but i think someone tried egging me.
anyone know anyone that drives that car?
if so please do let me know.

beating hearts baby 2 baby is this love for real?

target, target, best buy, dadeland. [27 Jul 2006|02:10am]
[ mood | amused ]

sooo today went as follows...
i wake up at 1:20pm. awesome.
i call tori to go clothes shoppin.
for fuckin my new job at target. lmao.
pee.ess. target was out of red polos.
then i go pick up katie.
we go to sushi maki...tori's there!
with her friend, who is seriously my twin!
mmm then more shopping.
another target and then best buy.
then we decide we are due for an easter.
we get the eggs and decide who is due.
we call up mudbutt aka edrisse
we ask if he knows who we should easter.
no response. loser lmao jk.
we head over to pick his ass up.
but i need gas first....
2.89. fuck yes.
i put in money and it gives me 1.23 worth of gas.
seriously what the fuck is that shit? lol
so i have to go to another pump.
bitch trys to take my spot
that i've been waiting 5 minutes for.
fuck that shit i'll cut a hoe lmao jk
den we head out to da ghetto to get mudbutt
almost run his ass over too....whoops.
we went and eastered. ghetto style.
in ma car wit open ass doors lmao.
den edrisses black ass wants mcd's
had to pull up so close
so he could open da door n order lmao
he got out da car and ordered lol
den he couldn't see da menu
so he got his ass right close to da menu.
den back to da ghetto.
i definitely ran a stop sign. whoops.
then katie and i decided to taco bell it.
so ended an exciting day lmao...
o no...wait there is more!
my demonic ass mothafuckin dog.
he ran his ass outta da house.
now ma dog will not come when called.
if you try to go up to him he'll bit
so i gotta turn on da car and hope he comes over
nope. of course not. make my life easy? no no.
so i attempt to get him in for like 15 minutes
he eventually does. thank you jesus. (lmao)
i also resigned up on mafia.org.
that thing is ridin out son.

beating hearts baby 2 baby is this love for real?

like a TNT marathon. [24 Jul 2006|11:39pm]
[ mood | tired ]

you know those marathons on TNT?
the one where they show the same movie.
3 nights in a row...? my life.
i swear i'm watching one of those.
mean girls 3 nights in a row.
we have problems. me, tori and amy.
we have a sad sad addiction.
and i know all the lines. so sad.
tonight alastair was subjected.
tori made us all dinner. yuuuums.
and i took alastair home. how weird.
but we didn't kill each other
and we were relatively civil.
imagine my surprise there.
well the wonderful people at best buy are...
fucking morons. i hate to say it...
well not actually....but damn.
how dumb can you seriously be?
they call me to come down for an interview.
and i'm like okie dokie...i go.
she asks me when my birthday is...
august 17. why does she care?
o we have a little problem she says.
you have to be 18 to work here.
then why was i able to apply?
they asked for my birthday. what the hell?
and why did your dumbass give me an interview?
wow. i have lost faith in humanity.
thank you best buy for that one.
so my dad wakes me up this morning.
i answer the phone completely asleep.
he tells me he has a new job opening for me.
at robert morgan. no. hell no. work there?
some lady he knows needs someone to do office work.
25 hours a week. nah, not for me.
my dad continues talking...16 an hour.
i wake up really fucking fast.
16 an hour? count me in! supppper!
man do i love life at the moment.
16 an hour. doing pretty much nothing.
this is the life. seriously the life.
oh except i'm stuck living at home for a year.
one downfall. i guess i'll survive.
so onto memorable quotes of the night...
"i know how to lock doors"-tori
"so do i"-me
"what do you mean?"-tori
5 minutes prior to this i had just locked amy out
after which she went into a fit of rage.
good job victoria, good f'in job.
"mean girls is like god, and he's like the devil"
this comment was semi-derived from 2 night ago.
due to texting, which then turned into tackling.
never take away an obsessive compulsive's cell phone,
especially mid text messaging battle. uh-uh.
well i believe that sums up the days excitement.

baby is this love for real?

drug tests & water will be the death of me. [23 Jul 2006|11:46pm]
[ mood | amused ]

today i was asked to go back to target
after my initial interview on friday
needless to say God is still upset with me
yes, again my car continued to overheat.
now explain to me why it does this?
only when i'm breaking or not moving.
so i when i stop i have to put it in park
and then f'in rev up the engine. how ghetto
so i get there and the chick gives me the job
woo-hoo! right? wrong. drug f'in test.
so i had to do it today or lose the job
so i'm driving to BFE with shit directions.
thanks a lot mom. then i call daddy.
good directions. thank you jesus!
i get there. i pee in a fuckin cup.
think that's it? no no so wrong my friend.
apparently i didn't pee enough. what the fuck?
so i get to sit in the waiting room
for another freaking hour. drinking water.
massive amounts of water. 25 cups.
i now hate water. so i finally try again.
success! i leave and head to FIU for lunch
with tori, amy and jessica. takes me forever.
not to get there but to find parking.
my car is still overheating at this point.
o what fun it was. i get there and walk in.
my shoes are trying to murder me.
they will be the death of me. i swear.
i almost fall, publicly, 3 times. so fun.
after lunch i head home. in my hot ass car.
i'm literally stuck to the seat from sweat.
it was seriously so gross. i get home, shower pass out.
then i go to get my car check out, by vivis dad.
i get there and he's on his way to pick up vivi.
i go with. this is the worst part of the day.
i was=lk in the bandroom and tears well up.
the bandroom is PINK. yes PINK. the instrument shelves...
there's a wall...and a door...band parent room...redone.
ellis' office. completely changed. i lose it and leave.
everything is different and i hate it.
i'm so glad i'm gone. i can't believe this new lady.
man do i miss feloss and ellis. who does she think she is?
she's taking over what isn't hers. soooo glad i'm out.
we get back, and vivi's dad fixes my car! wooooot!
i head to tori's for some mean girls :) awesome.
poor jason is subjected to it. we are cruel.
"YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US!" i am surround sound.
i know all the lines and say them. amy will kill me.
i can't help it, it's a camp think.
"maybe it's because i have a big lesbian crush on you
suck on that! aye aye aye aye!" lmao. loves it.
now i'm home. able to sit down...and now i'm not tired.
what the fuck? yea i'm pretty much crazy.
yea today wasn't eventful or anything....
but tomorrow's another day :)

beating hearts baby 2 baby is this love for real?

welcome back to lj for me! [22 Jul 2006|11:51pm]
[ mood | excited ]

well well well it's been a while since i've been here. i miss it and i know why...it was nice to get my thoughts out...so my thoughts for the last few weeks or so...camp was definitely AMAZING! as camp always is. i had loads of good times but i was happy to be home and to see my friends again. i missed em like WOAH. i've learned a lot over the course of the summer...that i need to relax and to take things as they come...to not hate people but to love the unconditionally, and to let by gones be by gones...the past is for once the past. it feels great, like i'm an entirely new person and it truly is amazing. i've been pretty close to tori and amy over the past few months and it's been great, i love them to death and i couldn't ask for more out of friends. they are seriously hilarious and are always trying to help me and save me from my dumbass self. like when tori had to apprehend my phone last night...i jumped on her to get it back. my name is nicole and i have a problem lmao. it was in my best interest not to take it back...but hey i'm attached to it. what can i say? it's been a GREAT summer thus far and i hope it only continues to be that way :) i'm excited to see what head my way next!

♥ nicole.

beating hearts baby 1 baby is this love for real?

well well well. [23 Jul 2005|02:34pm]
[ mood | creative ]

It has been a while.
yes it has.
i have missed you so.
stupid myspace has taken over me!
camp was nothing short of amazing as always
i've decided to stop my endless selfdestruction.
good right?
let's see.
last night i went to see The Devils Rejects
the sequel to 2003 House of 1000 Corpses.
amazing of course.
i strongly recommend it.
not much left to say.
so tata


baby is this love for real?

i too have followed the trend... [13 Jun 2005|01:09am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

i have gotten a myspace...
but i will never abandon my livejournal
it is my baby
but i got one for all my peoples that have one
plus i felt left out lol

heres my site...

beating hearts baby 6 baby is this love for real?

lets see.... [13 Jun 2005|01:02am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

today was dull
till heather called
she asked if i wanted to go out
with her n a dude...she met on myspace
i sed sure why not
nothing to do here
so we went

homeboy was from the UM band
and plays tuba
so we had band convos
he apparently came to my 1st period a few weeks ago
no recollection...hmm

we saw mr n mrs smith
it was awesome
dunno if angelina or brad is hotter
i think angelina
seriously she is hott
and im straight...
today lmao

thats all

baby is this love for real?

hey guys look! [09 Jun 2005|08:27pm]
[ mood | content ]


beating hearts baby 11 baby is this love for real?

Last Days Of School...PICTURES!!! [29 May 2005|01:07pm]
[ mood | awake ]


Band People!

Me and Brittany


Anthony, Jayme and Me...Grubbin in Physics

baby is this love for real?

CAMP PICTURES!!! [28 May 2005|07:03pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Since camp is in less than a month...here are some camp pictures from last year :D

Michelle and John :)

Z-ro's Nipples...

Some of the Guys

My Cell Group!

The Chattanooga Van...after we tp'ed it...forcing Faith to marry Keith :D

Thursday Night Campfire

Hayden's Baptism...at a local waterpark!

The Wedding Invitation to Faith n Keith's Wedding


Nuff' Sed

My Cabin Before The Amazing Grace

Me and My Hommies

It was a game...or something....


beating hearts baby 2 baby is this love for real?

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