nicole alexandra. (thecrowobsessed) wrote,
nicole alexandra.
thecrowobsessed

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about to explode

I'm laying in bed at 12:30 in the morning and I'm crying. I'm fucking crying. I'm starting to realize that I'm always going to be second best, always. I have no choice but to journal because if I say it outloud I'll burst into hysterical bawling and screaming. I watch everyone around me in their wonderful relationships. One of my closest friends and her bf just celebrated their one year, my other good friend is engaged. My best friend back home is engaged to an amazing guy. My good friend down the street is already married. Everyone in cell group seems to be pair up as well. & I can't help but ask, when is it my turn? I've waited damn near 20 years. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of kissing frogs & I'm tired of constantly being fucked over. Everyone says I go for the wrong guys, but then I head to the complete opposite end of the guy spectrum and it seems to be the same goddamned story. One guy that I've been head over heels for since summer can't think of me as anything but a sex toy. He's with some girl, wants to fuck the hell out of me, but wouldn't ever do it because he cares about her so much and doesn't ever want to hurt her. Where the hell is my guy who's tempted by an ex lover and won't cave just because the thought of hurting me kills him? Where the fuck is that guy? And this other guy, who conviently lives in the same buildings as the other, is amazing. We like the same music, movies, style, decade, everything. He's adorable in every way. He's sweet as can be, awkward yet so lovable, but alas he too only wants sex, no commitment of course. I'm tired of it. There's got to be something wrong with me. If everyone but me can find it, I've got to be damaged in some way. I just pray to god that somehow, some way, I'll lose weight or become mildly attractive somehow. I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted. How would you feel if you looked in the mirror and thought to yourself "no wonder no one wants me." Some days I pray I'll never wake up because walking through life as me is too painful. It's this awful feeling I can't shake and it's all I can think about. I just want it to go away.

"And always second best"
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